I had a hysterectomy 4 months ago. My post-op experiences were quite interesting. I had some expectations of recovery which were unreal. But I made it through and thought to share how I feel now, 4 months on.
First, I must remind you, my dear reader, of why I had a hysterectomy. It was due to stage 4 endometriosis – read my story here. Not a life-threatening illness, but one that caused considerable pain and consequent low quality of life. Today, as I write this post, I reflect on what my life was like, living with endo. And how life has changed since the hysterectomy.
Table of Contents
Period anticipation
The period pads and tampons are gone for good. With endo, I was using constantly using these products. I could never work out when the next bleeding episode would begin. Apart from periods, there was off-period bleeding. And after enough embarrassing episodes, a stash was always in my handbag.
However, the issue runs deeper than the issue of period protection. Psychologically, I am different. I still ovulate and go through pre-period symptoms of hot flashes, water retention, etc. These remind me that a period is near, but now the period does not come. And with each passing month, I feel relief.
Because along with the other symptoms of an oncoming period, I would experience pain. Three weeks out of four per month I would be in pain. I would bleed for three weeks. Liberation and relief have replaced feelings of anxiety and dread. I know now that a period is near not by the pain I feel but by my weight on the scales and tossing and turning at night due to the hot flashes.
Being around children
That said, I am now struggling with being around children. My surgeon had warned me about some hormonal and emotional changes. With the caveat that it is different for every woman. In my life, I have at least eight youngsters who are still close to my heart. I have found that whenever I am with them, whether physically or communicating on the phone, I feel detached.
Before the hysterectomy, I could not wait to spend time with these little ones (and I mean children below the age of 12). Frankly, now, they irritate me. A friend of mine suggested that I may be experiencing the reverse of post-natal depression. Perhaps…
The guilt about the way I feel about these little ones is worse. Rationalising my emotions is an exercise in futility. And it is hard to tell people, especially the doting parents that “Hey, can you please keep your kid out of my face?”. I should not be feeling this way, but I do. Will these emotions go away? I don’t know but I am willing to ride out this wave.
Pills
Pre-hysterectomy, I was on high dose pain killers. Every day. Without the painkillers, I could not function. And there were many days when I left the house in a rush, only to get to work and be in extreme pain. And then make my way home again, or put up with the pain and be uncomfortable and unproductive all day.
Generally, I do not like taking pills. Even for times of depression and anxiety, which have been many, I have preferred to be pill-free. Having the surgery has enabled me to live without pills.
Body image
With the constant bloating and never-ending bleeding that came with endo, I became more and more conscious about how I looked. Those who know me will laugh when I say that I was so afraid of looking obese. To have a belly that looks like I’m pregnant, every day, for over two years really took its toll on me. Sure, there would be days when I had my flat stomach and I felt confident. But most days, I would hide behind baggy clothes.
It was not weight gain or obesity. It was plain and simple bloating. Consequently, I would spend a lot of time exercising, which is not a bad thing in any sense. But I became obsessed. If I went without a day of HIIT workouts, I would feel guilty and ashamed. Workouts kept the bloating at bay, most of the time. And sometimes, working out helped ease the pain a little.
Now, I still exercise most days, but I do not worry at all about bloating. Please note that the bloating I used to experience was not just related to periods. It was related to endo, and the body’s way of dealing with chronic pain.
Low-carb eating
In addition to working out like mad, I used to manage my diet. After a year of not knowing what was wrong with me (before getting diagnosed), I had found a natural way to reduce the bloating.
I started a food diary and noted down everything I ate, and watched how my body reacted to what I ate. Within months I concluded that my body was reacting badly to high carb meals, particularly sugar, flour, rice, potatoes. At the same time, my hubby was trying to lose weight and he was experimenting with the keto diet. Because there is just the two of us at home and I was supportive of his diet, I started cooking keto meals and I found that my body was reacting well to the diet.
And so began a year-long affair with low carb meals. It was hard to explain to friends at first, especially when I had no clue what my ailment was. But later on, after the endo diagnosis, it all made sense. Endo feeds off estrogen, and estrogen and insulin levels have a complicated relationship. I tend to listen to my body, and I felt that my body was telling me to stay off the carbs.
Keto meals became the norm, low carb cereals, breads, cakes were homemade. Dining at friends’ homes was uncomfortable. Functions at work always left me hungry. Dining out was something to be prepared for through excessive amounts of painkillers beforehand.
Post hysterectomy, I must say, some of the dietary changes have stuck with me. But I LOVE the fact that I can eat chips, a piece of cake, paella, without feeling sick with worry and anxiety about how my body will react, and the pain I knew I had to endure for ‘guilty’ food pleasure.
Struggle with body weight
If you read my story on endo diagnosis, you would know that losing weight a decade ago was a big deal for me. In hindsight, I think this was down to the onset of endo at the time.
Over the last two years, the keto diet combined with pretty hectic workouts very reluctantly shifted my body weight. I am not obese, with a weight of 49kg for a relatively skinny frame. Endo made it harder to lose weight, and there were times when I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. The bloating did not help by the way. Now I know that the hormone imbalances associated with endo made it harder for me to lose any weight.
Four months on, I am at my ideal weight of 49kg, and I am on weight maintenance plans. That said, I noticed that it is easier to lose weight now. My weight shifted down two kilos during an emotionally draining episode recently. With no extra workouts or diets.
Was a hysterectomy worth it?
The benefits of having a hysterectomy to deal with endo are truly massive. Hysterectomy does not cure endo by the way. There are chances, albeit slim with the type of hysterectomy I had, for endo to re-surface.
I believe I will get over the children-phobia in time. And if I don’t, well, it is a small price to pay. The children will keep getting older and I am not averse to teenagers. The emotional, psychological and physiological me is better than who I was two years ago. This is said bearing in mind that I experienced very few symptoms of endo until it was too late, i.e., it had got to stage 4. Others may experience longer periods of what I went through. Consequently, their relief and feelings of liberation would be greater.
Would I not have the hysterectomy in hindsight? No. I would have it again and again.
My quality of life is far better now. The feeling of liberation and anxiety-free days, not worrying about period leaks or periods, not worrying about dressing to hide bloating and period leaks, the fear before periods, a life of chronic pain.
The ability to eat things and not worry about the side effects. My bodyweight not stuck with hormone imbalances. Being free from pain and bleeding.
These changes in my life have been for the better.